Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
