Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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