She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
