haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
