I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
