I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
