Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
