I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
