So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
