Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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