You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
