"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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