Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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