Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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