I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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