Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
