I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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