Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i wish my penis had a tongue
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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