I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
