Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
