I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
