babies were throwing up all over the place
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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