I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
