When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
