i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
