the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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