I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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