His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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