Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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