im six kinds of drunk right now
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
