I'm lost and stupid without you.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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