my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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