discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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