I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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