If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
