your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
