mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
