I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
This baby is an asshole
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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