Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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