i can't believe i had my finger in that
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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