I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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