**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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