she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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