Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
