I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
