we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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