Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
