I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
