his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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