I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
